-This is something that I struggle with, almost all of the time. I’m not entirely sure, but I have a constant fear of people leaving me. Strangely enough, I can only recall one specific time that a dear friend of mine left. It was in primary school, grade 5 to be exact. She wasn’t particularly special or anything… Anyway. So yes, this irrational fear has me closing up whenever people try to get too close to me.
I literally have a handful, may two handfuls of close friends and even they were hard to let in. It took months of trying and more months of forcing myself to open up and to let them into my world. It’s funny, because I don’t go “Oooh, you seem nice! Be my friend!” It takes lots of coffee dates and literally just slowly opening myself up. Like a flower, opening up toward the warmth of the sun and closing up again when that heat diminishes. I think we all have a slight fear that the person might not like what they see when the flower is totally exposed, when that flower is vulnerable, susceptible to to violation. So, instead of opening up and enjoying the warm embrace and caress of the sun, it just stays closed up and alone, not being able to enjoy any of it.
The thing is, is that I would be perfectly happy on my own. I am not a personal people’s person. I love people, but I don’t enjoy people in my space. I think, were there to be a Zombie Apocalypse and by some divine intervention I survived, I would be fine on my own. But that’s not cool, it’s not healthy, it’s not good for one’s well-being (This being apart from the fact that there are brain eating half-dead people out to get me) haha. The thing is, is that we need people in our lives. We need to know that there are people who care about us, people who love us, people who want to know our opinion on whether or not to purchase the dress that might actually be a top. It’s not only for their benefit, but it benefits us to know that someone will notice if we were the first to die in the previously mentioned Zombie Apocalypse.
We need to have people in our lives, we need to let people in. We won’t survive on our own. Yes, people disappoint us, they let you down, they break your heart. It sucks, it makes you question yourself and your strength and your ability to handle yourself. You will feel rejected my those you love at some or other point, but that doesn’t last. The people in your life who really love you, the real friends, they come back. They redeem themselves, not because you’ve compelled them to, but because they’ve realized your worth and that they wouldn’t want to lose you.
It’s funny, only once you’ve grown up do you begin to see what real love is and what it means to be a true friend. The other funny thing is, is that you don’t get to this place without a few stumbles along the way. As Lily Aldren once said “You need to break a few eggs to make a good pancake” this couldn’t be any closer to the truth.
Many Joy Faces 